I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
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-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
My ideal weight is five million dollars
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke