i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
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Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
Breaking news:
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.