She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
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Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️