Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
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my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
At Walmart during the holidays like..
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!