*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
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When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.