Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
You Might Also Like
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
Erm I’m gonna say no
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
New mindset, who dis?
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.