*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
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My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined