People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
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the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
Don’t make me out nice you.
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
A French press is when you hug naked
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.