Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
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Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do