Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
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Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?