Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
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Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
I am having an out of money experience.
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath