Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
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Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help