a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
You Might Also Like
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
Today I realised that fire engines don’t carry the water in the fire engine with them. Thought fire hydrants were an American thing. Didn’t realise we had them in the UK. I’m 36 and have two first class degrees
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.