People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
You Might Also Like
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
Bring back the McRib
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.