I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
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There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination