Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
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Great Canadian literature.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*