If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
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Beauty and the Beast
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
when dads have a rap battle
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.