cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
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Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan