When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
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“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
He’s dead
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.