[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
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I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.