Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
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You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]