Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
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like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
My 4yo niece: do you have a girlfriend?
Me: no
Niece: a boyfriend?
Me: no
[pause]Niece: do you have a friend?
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
Living the best life.. 😊