Wait a minute…
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I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
Breaking news:
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim