Stop correcting my vodkabulary
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Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4