Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
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My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
Worth the read.
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry