Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
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[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.