me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
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I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*