My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
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During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅