My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
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Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos