Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
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[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
Basically.
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?