Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
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Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
Yes, but it was never about money
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
Finally a use for spoilers…