Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
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teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
Watermelon Boss!
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario