Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
You Might Also Like
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
Sharon I have some bad news
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
Typos is the Greek god of spelling errors
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”