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me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body