It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
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[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.