ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
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Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush