how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
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going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
Spider-cat: No One Home
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.