I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
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reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings