[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
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*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.