this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
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Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?