me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
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I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!