I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
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When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe