H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
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Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]