*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
You Might Also Like
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
They got Raph!
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
Chemical wingman
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
Moms. The original autocorrect.
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.