No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
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Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal