I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
You Might Also Like
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
#DesignFail
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
just leave it at the foot of the bed
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?