If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
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Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling