[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
You Might Also Like
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
you gotta be faster
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’