me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
You Might Also Like
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
The internet is full of many things
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top