I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
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Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
Noted.
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
What the hell happened here.
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.